Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Forgiveness and grieving.... has been quite the day.

It all started yesterday (the 28th) when I couldn't decide whether or not to use the prison email system and write my sister and tell her Happy Birthday or not and put a belated birthday card in the mail. I'm ALWAYS late with mail. Any of you who know me personally will know that I am the biggest procrastinator, EVER!!!

But...I am working of that, am am making big progress,
I'm proud to say!! 

So sister killed my grandpa in Feb, 2005 when I was 9 month prego with my 5th and last.
The stress and my Lupus  helped me to go over by almost three weeks : ( making my son be caught in my birth canal and a horrible story for another blog!!!

Well the story goes, I've always said and thought I could never really forgive my sister for this, I mean how do you forgive someone for something like that? Some say sisters forever and all that bull$hi+...blah blah blah...
Well I use to think, screw that!!!

Yesterday I posted a poll on my personal Facebook wall and asked if people who know my sister and knew the story of what had happened thought I should tell her Happy Birthday and send her a card. Some (very few..maybe two) said NO!!!! 

But, I guess my heart just doesn't have it in it anymore to be so hard and so mean and so unforgivable.
And so I  broke down and wrote her a really nice letter and tomorrow I will send her a belated birthday card and some pictures. This will be the fourth time I have written her in six years!! All of the other three have bee REALLY GENERIC!!! She has responded twice, it could have been three times, but now I can't be sure. She initiated the conversations once!!

Murdering my grandfather doesn't begin to hit on the things my sister has done to me or to other people. She is bi-polar and schizophrenic. She would take her medications and do so well and then she'd think "well, I'm doing so well, I don't need to take these pills any more, and just quit taking them...that is when she would do something really, really bad!!"

She will never get out of prison, most likely!! I think that if she writes back, and maybe even if she doesn't that I will continue to write to her, after all I have decided to forgiven her for EVERYTHING she has done to me, (I might write about some of the other things in another post...and then again....maybe this will seem like enough said!!)

I've also been grieving over my grandfather's death itself. I went to a site that I just so happened to find about four or five days ago, and yesterday I posted flowers and a picture of my family on the site where his grave is at. It was healing for me.

And is the big one!!!!

My mom, my lovely mom...she did June 24, 2002. 
She has never met my youngest son, Nathan.
She died of a brain aneurysm. But she suffered many other diagnoses, as I do.

I really wanted to make her a page like my grandpa page, only no matter how hard I try it won't let me put in her cemetary!! BUT don't think that I will quit trying :)

I WAS ABLE to listen to 'Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynrd all the way through tonight!!

At the end I wasn't even still bawling like a baby...instead I was smiling. I had realized that she really is better off now..I mean she isn't here suffering with migraines every single day, having this ailment and that...not having any kind of real insurance so the doctors and hospitals can't send her to a specialist for a real workup to see what is really wrong with her. She was always asking me to make sure that Lori and Eric (my brother who now has a gorgeous daughter, Nova) were going to be OK when she was gone, like she knew she was going to leave us early. She was 47 when she died and her mom was 46 when she left this precious earth. 

I think that is way too young!!

I think I will did at the same age!!! Or at least close...if I make it that far!!!

And actually I'm perfectly fine with that, and my older three know it!!!

 As far as I'm concerned though, I just want to make it the BEST LAST 8 or 9 years I can possibly have
if that's what I have left :) If I have more, than so be it, those are extras...we'll make the best of those too!!

And well friends, that's about it, that's been my day. Well parts of it.

The parts I want to share for now! 

Thanks for listening reading :)
And so....

With ((hugs))


Saturday, March 26, 2011

Today in my life.....

 I have no kids....
And it's just WAY to quiet in here.
My daughter has taken my two youngest, 
ten and five to her house for a couple of days,
because it is spring break!!!

My fourteen year old ran away about four weeks ago. I don't want to sound nonchalant
about it, because I am far from it. If any of you are familiar with my review/giveaway
blog '4 the LUV of SaNiTy' you will know that I blogged a bit about it there, and then went
missing in the blogosphere for a few weeks. Basically I went missing EVERYWHERE
for a few weeks, I was told that I just stared off into space, and I know that I did a whole
lot of crying. When it came time to do anything that had to do with the younger kids getting
ready for school or doing their homework, I had to just fake a smile and basically my older 
son (almost 20 in three weeks!!)  totally took over. I can't thank him enough. He moved right
 back in and took over.

Since I have GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder), PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder),
Sciatica, Lupus, and Fibromyalgia, just to name a few..
I don't want to sound like a pity party, if this is your first time meeting me....

My Dr. started my on an anti-depressant, and I do believe that it has kicked in and
is working. Some say that it is in your head. I wasn't really thinking about it either way,
just simply taking the pill with the rest of my pills that I take at night, and then
yesterday they called me to see if I thought it was working, I asked my son what he thought, 
(my oldest) and he said that he thought it was working!!! 

Today while I was posting a couple of my giveaways on Facebook, 
I ended up posting an update and a photo on my status and then commenting on
a few of my friends' statuses as well, and low and behold if I didn't catch myself with a 
big old smile on myself and the next thing I knew, I was laughing :)

So...I think that either the pills ARE WORKING,
OR, like I blogged about on my chronic pain blog, I faked it till I made it :)
So, even though it is just a little too quiet for my liking today.

I have decided to make the best out of it.

I have decided to read to my hearts desire :) I have many, many
book reviews coming due anyways. So I will use
this time to not only due what I love
so, so much: READING.
But also, to reach a goal that much needs reaching!!!

Have a great day everyone.

((Hugs)) to you and yours!!


Friday, March 25, 2011

Friday Fill-Ins...

It's Friday and it's full again :)....


Friday Fill-Ins

FFI we go! 

1. Why does it have to snow for spring break?

2. Books equal love.

3. My favorite breakfast includes bacon with lots of fat & pancakes 
with lots of butter :)

4. The Daughter's Walk by Jane Kirkpatrick was the last book I read.

5. I am SO glad that my son who is a runaway showed up in the middle
of the night last to give me a kiss on the top of my head, along with
whatever else he did, probably pick up a few things, I was half
asleep (I thought I had dreamed it, but was told this morning...
that it wasn't a dream, bless his heart!!!).

6. A great big hug from all five of my kids would make me feel better right now.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to catching up on 
some reading, the two youngest are spending the weekend with my daughter,
 tomorrow my plans include catching up on blog...and posting a few reviews and 
giveaways and Sunday, I want to have the big kiddos over for family dinner when
 they bring the younger kiddos home and hopefully talk them into staying long 
enough to watch a movie with MOM too :)

I don't know about you...but I always love filling in the blanks
every Friday. I know I missed quite a few when I didn't have my home
Internet...but now it is back up and running, and so am I,
for the most part anyways, so I shouldn't be missing many more.

But even more than filling out my blanks...I like to see what
everyone else put in their blanks!! So here I to read what the
others have put. I hope that if you have yet to join in, that you
will do that now.

Just click on the button below!!


Happy Friday everyone.

Enjoy your day!!