Forgiveness and grieving....

WOW...today has been quite the day.

It all started yesterday (the 28th) when I couldn't decide whether or not to use the prison email system and write my sister and tell her Happy Birthday or not and put a belated birthday card in the mail. I'm ALWAYS late with mail. Any of you who know me personally will know that I am the biggest procrastinator, EVER!!!

But...I am working of that, am am making big progress,

I'm proud to say!! 

:)

So anyways...my sister killed my grandpa in Feb, 2005 when I was 9 month prego with my 5th and last.

The stress and my Lupus  helped me to go over by almost three weeks : ( making my son be caught in my birth canal and a horrible story for another blog!!!

Well the story goes, I've always said and thought I could never really forgive my sister for this, I mean how do you forgive someone for something like that? Some say sisters forever and all that bull$hi+...blah blah blah...

Well I use to think, screw that!!!

Yesterday I posted a poll on my personal Facebook wall and asked if people who know my sister and knew the story of what had happened thought I should tell her Happy Birthday and send her a card. Some (very few..maybe two) said NO!!!! 

But, I guess my heart just doesn't have it in it anymore to be so hard and so mean and so unforgivable.

And so I  broke down and wrote her a really nice letter and tomorrow I will send her a belated birthday card and some pictures. This will be the fourth time I have written her in six years!! All of the other three have bee REALLY GENERIC!!! She has responded twice, it could have been three times, but now I can't be sure. She initiated the conversations once!!

Murdering my grandfather doesn't begin to hit on the things my sister has done to me or to other people. She is bi-polar and schizophrenic. She would take her medications and do so well and then she'd think "well, I'm doing so well, I don't need to take these pills any more, and just quit taking them...that is when she would do something really, really bad!!"

She will never get out of prison, most likely!! I think that if she writes back, and maybe even if she doesn't that I will continue to write to her, after all I have decided to forgiven her for EVERYTHING she has done to me, (I might write about some of the other things in another post...and then again....maybe this will seem like enough said!!)

I've also been grieving over my grandfather's death itself. I went to a site that I just so happened to find about four or five days ago, and yesterday I posted flowers and a picture of my family on the site where his grave is at. It was healing for me.

And then....here is the big one!!!!

My mom, my lovely mom...she did June 24, 2002. 

She has never met my youngest son, Nathan.

She died of a brain aneurysm. But she suffered many other diagnoses, as I do.

I really wanted to make her a page like my grandpa page, only no matter how hard I try it won't let me put in her cemetary!! BUT don't think that I will quit trying :)


I WAS ABLE to listen to 'Freebird" by Lynyrd Skynrd all the way through tonight!!

At the end I wasn't even still bawling like a baby...instead I was smiling. I had realized that she really is better off now..I mean she isn't here suffering with migraines every single day, having this ailment and that...not having any kind of real insurance so the doctors and hospitals can't send her to a specialist for a real workup to see what is really wrong with her. She was always asking me to make sure that Lori and Eric (my brother who now has a gorgeous daughter, Nova) were going to be OK when she was gone, like she knew she was going to leave us early. She was 47 when she died and her mom was 46 when she left this precious earth. 

I think that is way too young!!

I think I will did at the same age!!! Or at least close...if I make it that far!!!

And actually I'm perfectly fine with that, and my older three know it!!!

 As far as I'm concerned though, I just want to make it the BEST LAST 8 or 9 years I can possibly have

if that's what I have left :) If I have more, than so be it, those are extras...we'll make the best of those too!!

And well friends, that's about it, that's been my day. Well parts of it.
The parts I want to share for now! 

Thanks for listening reading :)

And so....

With ((hugs))


~Steph